Fred, If you’re afraid you’ll have to overlook it

I get the most random pieces of music stuck  in my head. For the last three days it’s been the theme to Super Chicken. The cartoon shorts, not the porn site you pervert. The weird thing about this is, until last night I had never seen Super Chicken. The cartoon is from 16 years before I was born. Thanks to extreme boredom last night, I have now seen every short. It was weird, stupid and funny all at the same time. Not stupid in the way the worthless crap that passes for comedy these days is (Will Farrell, I’m looking at you here), but stupid as in the stuff little kids find amusing.

It got me thinking though about the differences in what kids watch for cartoons.  I grew up with Count Duckula, Danger Mouse, Scooby Doo, Inspector Gadget, Looney Tunes, Tom & Jerry and so forth. My ex-girlfriends kids watch Sponge Bob, Johnny Test, Fairly Odd Parents and those kinds of cartoons. I hear all these guys from my generation bitching about how the cartoons were better when we were kids and how stupid the stuff kids watch today is. But seriously, looking back at those cartoons, were they really any better? Or is it that we’re giving them a pass because we remember them fondly, but we don’t do that for modern cartoons because were in that awkward late-20s stage where we’re “too old” to get into them?

Personally, having spent time watching cartoons with 2 adorable (and slightly psychotic) examples of todays kids, I think its the second explanation. Seeing those kids and how they react to modern cartoons reminds me of how I reacted to the cartoons I grew up on. It’s not the cartoons that are the problem, it’s us. So sit down, shut up, watch a couple cartoons, and remember for one day what it was like to be a child.

Education?

The older I get, the more it bothers me that I only have a GED. I dropped out of high school when I was fifteen. My mom enrolled me in some correspondence program through a school in Chicago, but I never finished it. I am one class away from an associates degree in liberal arts. I am four classes away from both an associates degree in automotive technology and a diploma in alternative fuels.  It bothers me that I never finished my bachelors in history. But it bothers me more that I never got a high school diploma.

ASE Results

Good news today. I passed all 8 ASE exams. Now I just need 1 year of work experience to be an ASE Master Tech.

Type	Test Date	Status
A1 Engine Repair	05/07/2009	Pass
A2 Automatic Transmission/Transaxle	11/10/2009	Pass
A3 Manual Drive Train and Axles	11/10/2009	Pass
A4 Suspension and Steering	05/07/2009	Pass
A5 Brakes	11/13/2008	Pass
A6 Electrical/Electronic Systems	11/10/2009	Pass
A7 Heating and Air Conditioning	11/18/2008	Pass
A8 Engine Performance	11/05/2009	Pass

Love, Darkness, Pain & Forgiveness

Post Removed By Author For Unseemly Emo-ness

Notes on a Dream or a Vision, 12-2-09

As I closed my eyes to sleep, but was not asleep, a vision came to me. I was following death through the woods. Old growth. Lots of space between the trees. Trunks grey-green like decay. Dead leaves covered the ground in pale shades of yellow and orange. No shadows as if the dim light was everywhere. Death wore a long cloak that dragged on the ground but did not disturb the leaves, yet his path was visible. I felt like others were lost in the woods as well. One close, to the left, unseen but watching. Fearful of death or envious of my following him. I followed death to a bog. Few islands. I stood at the edge and watched as death walked across the water, never disturbing it. I watched death fade into the distance, though I dont know if he crossed to the other side. A creature with skin stretched tight over its skull and three claw like fingers walked the islands towards me, its path curving off to my left as it got closer. I could not see what was below the water or even how deep it was because leaves covered its surface like the forest floor. A head rose partway out of the water. Stringy sparse hair, mottled skin as if it had drowned in the bog. Eyes full of hate and promising pain. It rose until the things cheekbones broke the surface. As it  came towards me, I thought death may cross the bog untouched but what of me? There are things in the bog worse than death. And I realized I must decide either to chase after death into the bog or turn and flee back through the forest towards life. And I must decide soon for even to stand on the edge of the bog draws the attention of its creatures.

Test Night

So I just finished another class. Computerized Engine Control Systems.  Tuesday, the second to last night was the worst though.I had 3 ASE exams to take, then I had to rush back to school to take the hands-on exam for class.

I got to class just before 1830 for attendance as required by the school. But the instructor, who also has a couple ASE exams to take insists on going over the stations of the hands-on exam before letting those of us with ASE exams leave to take them.

My friend and I  take off for the ASE exam, arriving at about 1845. Doors opened at 1830, but theres still a huge line of people waiting to get in. A lady pokes her head out the door and announces “We’re doing this alphabetically. There is no line currently for last names beginning with S through Z.” Well, damn, thats me. So I jump out of line, get into the test center and get in ANOTHER line for exam books.

I finally get up to the table and hand them my entrance form. The lady looks at it and asks “A2, A3 and A6? Is this correct?” Because while I’m stressed out over having 3 ASE exams and a hands-on exam in one night I’m also supposed to remember not only which ASE exams I signed up for but also what the test code for each of them is.  I know, its a short code and it should be easy to remember, but at the time when they asked, I drew a blank. So I just said yes and hoped it was.  She grabs my books, tells me not to open them until instructed to do so and directs me to the “guy in the blue tshirt” who will tell me exactly which chair to park my butt in.

I’m finally in my seat ready to test. I have 3 pencils, 3 test books and an entrance form on the table in front of me. And no answer sheet because they haven’t handed those out yet. I have to sit and wait for another 15 to 20 minutes for them to finish seating everyone else taking exams that night.

When everyone is in their seats, the oldest guy in the building walks up to the front of the room and reads the instructions. Word for word. Slowly. I swear it takes him half an hour to get through a set of instructions I can summarize in a few sentences: Clear the table of everything but your tests. Don’t cheat. Use a pencil. Fill in the test form completely. Good luck.

While hes spending 30 minutes on that, a couple of women are walking around handing out the answer sheets. It’s a little 2 page “booklet” with forms for answers for up to 6 tests. If you remember those scantron sheets they use for standardized testing, thats basically what it is. A, B, C or D. Pick one. Fill in the bubble.

I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, it’s multiple choice. That’s easy.” Wrong.  I swear these tests are designed to give you an aneurysm. You get a scenario like “A customer brings in a rear wheel drive truck with the complaint that there is a loud clicking sound that occurs only during right turns. What is the most likely cause?” and then you get a list of 4 options that all sound completely plausible. All 4 can cause that. But only one is “the most likely cause”.

Old Guy finally says “Insert the eraser end of your pencil into your test booklet and break the seal. You may begin.” Yes, they really do tell you which end of the pencil to do this with. It always makes me want to use the other end.  So I start with A2: Automatic Transmissions. This is my 3rd attempt to pass this exam. Yeah, either the test sucks that much, or I do. I haven’t decided which.

I finish that one after LOTS of cursing (silently of course so I don’t disturb the other silent cursers around me) and its on to A3: Manual Transmissions.  I haven’t taken this one before, but the test booklet is really thin.  That seems like a good sign. I hope.  Just as I get halfway through that test, I look over and see my friend get up and turn in his test. He had only 1. A6: Electrical and Electronics. Great. Thats the next one I get to take.  And it only took him the same amount of time to finish as I spent on a test and a half. Fuck.

So I finish A3, and I’m starting to doubt I’ll be done with enough time to get back to class and take my hands-on exam. Of the 300 or so people who were taking exams that night, there are about 40 of us left. And there is no clock in the room. I have no clue how long it’s actually been, but I know if I don’t get back to class by  2200 I won’t have time to take the hands-on. Which is 20% of my grade.

So now I’m starting to freak out a bit. And I still have the painfully thick A6 booklet to get through. I take a deep breath and I start in.  And I instantly hit a wall. First question of the test and I’m drawing a blank. I don’t remember this. So I guess and move on. The second question is painfully easy. Three of the options were so far out in left field you could have gotten it right even if you knew nothing at all about automotive electrical systems. Or even electricity for that matter. And thats how it goes for the entire test. 60 questions. Back and forth between “no friggen clue” and “any idiot could get that right”, though there were slightly more of the “no friggen clue” questions.

I get up and turn in my tests. Booklets and answer sheets. And stand there while Old Guy checks them over to make sure they’re all filled out right. There are only 4 other people still there at this point. I half wonder what they’re taking that made me finish before them. But I run, and I mean RUN back to class.

And I get there at 2154. Cars have to be out of the shop by 2300. I MIGHT get the hands-on exam done. If everything goes smoothly. Like that ever happens. I decide to start with the question that only requires a repair manual. Figure I can sit down and catch my breath while I do that one. I have 15  mins to find 7 pieces of information about a 93 Ford Ranger in an after market repair manual that covers both Chrysler and Ford trucks and SUVs for that year. I find 6 before the time runs out.

So I get up and go to the back of the room to another station. Here once again I have 15 mins. To get resistance readings on the primary and secondary coils and the pickup coil out of a truck from the 70s. And then answer 3 questions out of a repair manual about it. Easy. Except for that last question. I can’t find it for the life of me. I’m flipping pages, looking like an idiot. And at 14 mins, I find it. On the first damn page I’d looked at. Of course.

I go out to the shop where we have 5 cars set up. 4 are OBD-II, one is OBD-I. I HATE OBD-I.  I start with the Ford Focus. Crappy little car. But it goes smoothly. No real issues, just find the info with the manufacturer scan tool and write it down on the correct lines. Same goes for the Chrysler.

On to the GM car. It’s an OBD-II Buick. And the scan tool is showing just a white screen. Fuck.  I can’t get it to work and I don’t know why. I’ll come back later. OBD-I pickup truck is next. I think it was a Chevy. I don’t even care at this point. I just want to get this done.

So I get in and grab the scan tool. Enter the test mode and it reads “Is code 12 flashing?” Huh? Shit, thats right. OBD-I crap flashes the MIL to tell you code numbers. Flash. Pause. Flash flash. Pause. Repeat. Code 12. Hit yes. From there the OBD-I goes smoothly.

Back to the Buick. Fuck, still a white screen. Screw it, on to the Toyota. This station takes me all of 2 mins. Toyotas are my specialty.

Ok, everything is done except that damn Buick. So I go back to that piece of crap. Now the scan tool is off and wont turn on.  Check the ignition. Key is on, but no dash lights are. Shit. Battery is dead. So I get out, put a battery charger on it, and wait. As soon as it has enough voltage in the system to power up the scan tool I go to work. I cant afford to wait any longer. I’m almost out of time. Now it goes smoothly like all the other OBD-II cars.

I turn in my test with only the one blank line from that first station.  It’s 22:55. And as I do, Red in the back row says “Finally.” Before I can do anything stupid, the instructor tells the rest of the class to pull the cars out and put the scan tools away. I hope Red gets the Buick. Turns out sweet little Sara did. I feel bad for not having put it on a fast charge.

The instructor looks at me while grading my test and says “I didn’t think you were going to make it.” And he seems disappointed that he only got to mark 3 lines wrong including the blank one. He even comments on it.  And by now, after 4 tests, my brain hurts.

I come in for class the next day and take the written “post test”. It’s like a final, but it’s not the final. Only people who have an unexcused absence have to take the final. As soon as I finish that, I have a Toyota brand-specific final I have to take.  6 tests in 2 days. And I missed getting an A in that class by 1 point. At least it’s over… for now.

Reasons why it’s great to be from Vermont

I could easily have titled this “Reasons why I miss Vermont”, but that didn’t feel right. Any who, on to gushing about Vermont.

1) The people – REAL Vermonters (not transplanted flatlanders) are some of the nicest, most helpful people you will ever meet.

2) The Green Mountains – These are seriously the most beautiful mountains I’ve ever seen

3) Lake Champlain – It’s cold, its beautiful and it supposedly contains a lake monster (though I’ve never seen Champ)

4) Fall – ALL of New England, and especially Vermont, is GORGEOUS in the fall.

5) Maple Syrup – Yeah, Canadians always seem to claim it as theirs. But NOBODY takes maple syrup as seriously as Vermonters. We have our own grading system for it. Hell, we passed laws about it.

6) Ben & Jerry’s – The single best commercial ice cream on the market was invented in Burlington, Vermont.

7) Billboards – We have NONE. They’re illegal in Vermont. Which makes our roads look 100 times better than anywhere that allows them.

8 ) Small Business – Small local businesses and farms are much more popular and receive more support than big corporations.

9) Size – It’s a small state both geographically and demographically. It’s quieter, has less crime and a more relaxed feel because of this.

10) Burlington – Our biggest city has a small population of only 40k people. Despite this it has a lively arts community, thriving and diverse restaurants and an active night life. A small town feel with all the culture and convenience of a big city, but with out the crime.

I can’t wait to be back home in Burlington for Christmas and New Years.